Control freak

Last week I had the amazing privilege of attending the IMMERSE conference in Nashville, Tennessee! It was a life changing 3 days and I met some of the most amazing people. I learned so much about songwriting, worship leading, artistry, and the christian music industry. But, there was one experience in particular that I will never forget. 

This conference held a competition where you could submit originals or covers and try to qualify for a final showcase they put on. You had to submit a video of you singing and they decided whether or not you could go through to the next round of auditions once you got to Nashville. There was a total of 3 auditions and if you got through all of those you could preform in front of everyone at the conference along with some industry people. Super cool opportunity. 

The first day of the conference I walked into a room of some of the most talented people I had ever met. I was intimidated to say the least. 

The time came for all of us to separate into our different categories so I made my way to the Woman’s Vocal room. I sat through 3 hours of listening to beautiful auditions and amazing feedback. We finally got down to the last name on the list, which happened to be me, and I was ready to own it. I had so much time to mentally prepare, I knew how it was all gonna go down, it was my time to shine. I went up to the piano to get my note (we sang a capella) and it didn't sound quite right. I embarrassingly went back to my seat and got my phone to get the pitch there instead, I was a little flustered. I took a deep breath and began to sing my song with the shakiest voice I had ever heard come out of my mouth. My mind started to go crazy, “What’s happening? Why are you sounding like this? Get yourself together!!!!” From there it just went downhill. I started to miss my low notes and eventually croaked out a high note at the end. My hands were shaking, my feet were sweating, my eyes were filling up with tears. I was so disappointed. 

I finished and slowly turned to the judge as the pity clap came to a close. “You didn't do as well as you thought you would huh?” It was like he saw right through me. My voice immediately went shaky and tears started streaming down my face. “Why don't you tell me a little about yourself?” I struggled to get words out without sounding like a blubbering mess. “My name is Sofia and I’m a worship leader and…” Yeah it didn't go very well. He stopped me, stared into my soul, and asked me a question that I had never been asked. “Has anyone ever told you that you should feel ashamed for wanting to get better?” I froze. My mind raced trying to pin the blame on someone who had put me down in this way, but I came up empty handed. The only name that popped up was mine. My own name. Me. 

God was speaking to me directly through this man. He revealed to me that the only person holding me back, was me. I was in my own way. I had been trying so hard to be in control, that God let me have it and in the process showed me that I can’t do it by myself. When I try to run the show I ultimately fail. 

As broken humans we all struggle with getting in our own way. We have a perfect scenario in our heads of how life is supposed to go. Sure we may believe in God and say we love Him, but ultimately we don't let Him touch anything. This is my struggle and it has been years of wrestling for me to finally give it up. I still am holding onto things that I just can’t let go of. 

I walked away from that audition experience broken. Not because I hadn't moved on, but because God had showed me my brokenness and loved me through it. He revealed that there are parts of my spirit that are chained up with fear. There are parts of my spirit that are trying to take control out of fear of what may happen if I let go. I felt broken in the best kind of way. I was reminded that my God is a God of restoration. He will unchain my spirit and piece it back together with His overwhelming love. And guess what? He will break off the chains over and over and over and will NEVER stop loving me. 

He is a God that sees us for who we are, chains and all. He will pull you into His loving arms every single time. He will remind you of who He says you are. Let go of control and surrender it all to the one who calls you FREE!